My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
You Might Also Like
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.