Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
incredible book dedication
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.