If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
This is enough internet for the day.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit