Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Mad Max Arctic Road
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”