Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Yup
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.