“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though