95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
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I’m confused about plants
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.