My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I’ll be mad as hell!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m giving up ice.