Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
what’s really going on
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.