*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Just ordered me some pizza!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.