Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
You Might Also Like
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.