Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
crochet youtube is brutal
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?