cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.