When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”