How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!