Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full