What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Worst bar ever.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Why is this me 😫
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Seems legit
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
thanksgiving should be called feaster