Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.