[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My dog ate my work from home.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.