Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
notice
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming