Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
The devil.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.