My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…