[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
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If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Still my favorite headline of all time:
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!