Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship