if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I wanna be friends with this person
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
smartest karate player in the world
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.