My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
You Might Also Like
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Y’all know who you are.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.