Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
kids play hide and seek like