If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.