Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.