MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
You Might Also Like
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”