me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Taking phone security to the next level.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito