Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
You Might Also Like
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
R.I.P.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.