I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long