Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
You Might Also Like
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”