I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Happy thanksgiving
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Guys, I found it.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.