Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: