Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I want what they have
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard