The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes