I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Passwords are more important than ever.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers