The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Watson was Holmes schooled
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story