I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
You Might Also Like
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
awkward
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Steam Forums
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT