“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
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Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Twitter remains undefeated
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE