70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here