The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Owl Sanctuary
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Dishonest mechanic?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive