Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too