Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name