girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
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“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.