I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
How to draw a duck
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.