My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
🚲+physics = winner
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
absolute chaos
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
She was REALLY feeling it.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton