The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.